hey remember the goa’uld? snake dudes that take over people and ham things the fuck up? the original badguys of  the stargate franchise?

me neither

The Teaser:

Zelenka has been sent on a mission to childhood’s end planet (aka canada prime) to look after the stock footage of that lake and the cave set, which are suffering some technical difficulties. also some wraith cruisers are nearby but they’re kind of busy slap fighting one another.

Seeing as literally nothing interesting we cut over to SG1 season 9 where General Hank Landry is playing battleship with his daughter Dr Mrs Michael Shanks, sorting out their issues and the like. then Secret Agent Malcolm Barrett, a SG1 supporting character who surprisingly still alive, despite even tempting the Carter Black Widow Curse, although at the time of writing the last we saw of him he was going to an asylum because Baal brainwashed him.

Baal? glad you asked, he’s the leader of “The Trust”, a shady white old guy organization comprised of Goa’uld dudes trying to steal tech off earth for use in a little off the grid mini-goa’uld empire they’re planning. also he’s space Australian. and what does this have to do with anything? well they put a bomb in atlantis. animate parasitic dicks.

The Episode:

Hank and co work on a way of warning Atlantis, they even get Dr Bill on it. Dr Bill is the SGC’s Formost Expert on Glowy Bugs, Drug Cubes, VR chairs, being phased not cloaked and ancient Jeanie bottles. he’s the zelenka to Carter’s Mckay. oh and there’s walter harriman. gotta love all the secondary cast cameos. they work out a way to send a message from a outer rim world to the deadalus to atlantis using the logic “it worked for 101 dalmatians. with a little overclocking by Hermiod they stop the weekly atlantis earth dialing mail thing just in time. Hermiod, by the way, is pestered by Whiney Scientist and… well SHUTS HIM DOWN SON!

Sora’s Log:

There’s a bomb in the city and they think one of the earthans is a spy for something called “the trust”. i’m not really familiar with Earthan culture but where i come from anything asking to be called trustworthy isn’t. like Cowen’s Honest Daycare Service, those faces still give me the shudders. anyway because i’ve never been to earth i’m above suspicion and Doctor Elizibeth put me on the inquisition. we’re looking for suicidal people and anyone with a unexplained neck scar… oh yeah that’s the other disconcerting thing. these “trust” guys are working for some disgusting snake monsters called the go-ah-oold that burrow into your spine and take you over, nasty. i’m not sure whether it’s them or the wraith i’m less keen on being d… probably the wraith still.

Rodney’s Log:

Have you ever had to come into work with your ex? i feel for you, for the first time in my life i feel for you. you may recall Lt Laura Cadman, the “brilliant” young lady with whom i had the extreme displeasure of sharing a body with and longtime readers of this daily scientific journal (john stop reading my diary) may remember her as the vandal who defaced this journal with that downright confusing and poorly-written Animaniacs Slashfic, i still have yet to make head nor tail of it… and have no intention of either. well seeing as i’ve almost died because of her why not put us on the team to track down this bomb. this is just… i’ll just have to think of sam’s face (among other things) and go to my happy place. oh and it gets better, our saboteur has as a failsafe set off a subspace distress beacon with the wraith cruisers within visiting range. we’re dealing with a genius comparable to myself here.

USS Deadalus Captain’s Log stardate 122705.1:

just being a goa’uld over here, don’t mind me.

Elizibeth Weir’s Log:

we are in the middle of a most diabolical transpiration. the trust operative has infiltrated Atlantis’ computer system and made changes to the utilities setting it up so that any major drain on the ZPM would result in an explosive overload. with a wraith fleet on our doorstep i have tasked doctor mckay with shutting down enough non-essential systems to run the cloak with the ZPM. knowing rodney i am awaiting the part where he manages to make the whole planet disappear. we have also recalled both the mainland expedition and the Daedalus for further investigations and safety reasons.

Laura Cadman’s log:

while i am always the first to profess the genius decisions of our great leader i have to wonder why she chose to assign me, an expert on explosives,  ballroom and rodney’s ****, to looking through the mess that is the atlantis computer systems for tampering. you have to wonder “haven’t the ancients ever thought of defragging?” but i suppose in their infinite wisdom there must be a reason behind their crappy file management. i was however able to gleam something of use from poking around in there, some traitor from the expedition has added several processes to the system, password locked of course, and then considerately left a nice blank calling card for me.

USS Deadalus Captain’s Log stardate 122705.2:

goa’ulding the fuck out of this hizzous, Goa’uld and bald in the morning over here… i’m so lonely.

Carson Beckett’s Log:

These bloody Athosians are really doing my nut in today. first teyla comes over and asks me to fly her over to the continent to talk to her good great aunt, she bloody well knows i don’t like flying or stubborn old gits who don’t ever want to take any advice from their bloody doctor. oh she raelly knows how to pick the mentors that spit in the face of my bloody Hippocratic oath she does that lass. and to top it all off they start holding a bloody great funeral ceremony with songs from bloody “camelot!”, right in the middle of a bloody evacuation. oh, i forgot to mention because of how bloody stupid they were. some bloody ejit…. no wait that’s irish… fool has been fooling around with the bloody computer and has turned the city’s inertial dampeners on so the bloody city blows up.

Peter Kavanha’s log:

they’re going to torture me, i haven’t done anything wrong, at least not as much as them.

Are You guys quite done?

right, back to the episode: cadwell is a goa’uld, sheppard (literally) tazes him bro, zelenka returns and the day is saved i guess. also hermiod is a better doctor than carson, beaming space wall FTW!

Final Thoughts:

a lot happened, teylaa sung the lusty month of may, the goa’uld are back and we get a cameo by Dr Bill. Dr Bill the SGC expert on pokemon PC boxes is awesome. i mean how will they top a cameo like that? Team up with Teal’c? both carter and woolsey joining the show? barroom brawl between Neil Degrass Tyson and Stephen Hawking?

also like that weirs desk has her funeral urn and other relics on it, s’like sisko’s baseball

if his eyes glowed a little more they’d blend in with his baldness. Rogaine Kree!